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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Military Recruiter Upset Area Man Hasn't Called Him Back

EAST ST. LOUIS, MO—Army Staff Sergeant Declan Morris announced that he has "no idea what to think" concerning potential recruit Justin Flannerty's continuing refusal to return Morris' phone calls. "I admit I'm hurt," he said. "Perhaps I came on too strong with the whole money-for-college thing. But I was just trying to be honest." He buried his head in his hands and continued: "Oh, Sgt. Morris, you idiot! That's what second visits are for." Unsure about "the right time" to call Flannerty back, Morris is considering "forgetting the whole thing" and moving on to a new recruit.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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