Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Military Recruiter Upset Area Man Hasn't Called Him Back

EAST ST. LOUIS, MO—Army Staff Sergeant Declan Morris announced that he has "no idea what to think" concerning potential recruit Justin Flannerty's continuing refusal to return Morris' phone calls. "I admit I'm hurt," he said. "Perhaps I came on too strong with the whole money-for-college thing. But I was just trying to be honest." He buried his head in his hands and continued: "Oh, Sgt. Morris, you idiot! That's what second visits are for." Unsure about "the right time" to call Flannerty back, Morris is considering "forgetting the whole thing" and moving on to a new recruit.

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