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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Milla Jovovich Inducted Into Basic Cable Hall of Fame

CINCINNATI—Screen star Milla Jovovich, famed for her work in Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and The Fifth Element, was inducted to the Basic Cable Hall of Fame in a semi-lavish ceremony held in the organization's Swayze Auditorium Friday. Honored for her countless appearances on TBS, TNT, USA, and other networks, Jovovich was introduced by basic-cable legend Brian Dennehy, who called her "one of America's most familiar thespians." Said Jovovich, "When I appeared in Luc Besson's artistically ambitious Joan Of Arc alongside Dustin Hoffman so many years ago, I never imagined I'd wind up here." Her latest work, Resident Evil: Extinction, is expected to reach basic cable later this year. "Thank you for this distinction, and thank you for not insisting that I wear a miniskirt for this event," Jovovich added. The actress joins such basic-cable luminaries as Renegade's Lorenzo Lamas and Sliders' Jerry O'Connell in accepting the industry's 17th-highest honor.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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