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Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches

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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

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Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

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Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

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Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

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Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

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Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

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The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

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Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

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Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

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Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

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Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

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Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

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How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

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Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

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Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

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Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

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Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

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GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

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Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

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Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches

VIDALIA, GA—Millionaire Georgia businessman Hoyt Mullins, Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, told supporters at a campaign stop Monday that he can do for the government what he did for turkey ranches.

The turkey rancher greets supporters in Macon.

"Starting with just two employees in 1979, I built a $165 million-a-year turkey-ranching operation that now employs more than 350 people," said Mullins, who is seeking to take Democratic incumbent Max Cleland's seat. "If I can do that, just imagine what I could do for the state of Georgia and this nation."

"If the U.S. government were a corporation, it would have gone out of business long ago," Mullins continued. "Congress is the only place where you can operate at a loss for decades without worrying about going belly-up. What Washington needs is somebody with an eye on the bottom line. And the bottom line is what Hoyt Mullins is all about."

Though he has no experience in government or law, Mullins has been successful in the private sector. Over the past two decades, he has transformed Mullins Turkey Farms from a small family-owned turkey farm into Georgia's third-largest poultry producer, encompassing 26 turkey ranches, three turkey-processing plants, and a turkey-products distribution network.

Mullins hopes to put this experience to work serving the needs of the American people.

"In business, the key is to keep the customer satisfied," Mullins continued. "You, the customer of this government, have received terrible service, but unlike in the business world, you can't just leave and go to a competitor. America's customers deserve better."

Added Mullins: "I didn't expand my turkey enterprise into a 26-ranch operation by wasting money on a bunch of bureaucratic nonsense. In this current economy, our nation needs to cut out the fat. Cut it out, process it, can it, and sell it as gravy."

Since deciding to run for office, Mullins has been brushing up on his knowledge of federal law and congressional procedure.

"I may not know all the ins and outs of legislating quite yet, but I do know one thing," Mullins said. "I know a line of bull when I see it, and none of that is going to get by Senator Mullins. The buck stops here. You can print that."

One of the senate candidate's 26 turkey farms.

Mullins said he decided to run for Congress "after getting fed up with watching those yahoos on the TV mucking up everything up there in Washington." After forming an exploratory committee to assess his chances, Mullins converted $2.4 million of his own assets into cash and hired a team to organize his bid for the Senate.

Mullins said he has many plans for improving the "shameful, messed-up situation in our government."

"I've run a business for 23 years, and not once have I had a budget deficit," Mullins said. "If I wanted to expand, I did it by selling more turkeys. This country needs to be selling more turkeys."

"When I want something done, I want it done now," Mullins continued. "None of this filibustering and committeeizing. When I say, 'Get that pile of feathers outta here,' it'd better be gone the next time I walk around that outbuilding."

According to Mullins, fundamental to making a business—or a government—work is streamlining the process, or "quickening up the turnaround."

"I know about government log jams," Mullins said. "I've dealt with log jams all my life. When something is holding up the processes of our democracy, you've just got to get in there with a broom and clean out all that muck that's been collecting. Just take the stick end of a broom to it and scrape out all that gunk—all that dirt and grease and hair and gristle and chunks of Lord-knows-what, beaks and feet and other what-have-you."

Mullins, who is seeking the Republican nomination in the Aug. 20 primary for the right to face Cleland in November, leads rival Saxby Chambliss by a slim margin in most polls.

During an appearance at a Columbus, GA, senior center last week, Mullins responded to Chambliss' charge that he lacks the experience to be in Congress.

"I've got experience," Mullins said. "Hell, I've got more experience than half the Senate and House combined. In my life, I've been a truck driver, a warehouse manager, a car salesman, an auto mechanic, an accountant, a ditch digger, a chicken plucker, and a shit shoveler. If that don't qualify me to run this country, I don't know what does."

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