Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches

Top Headlines

Business

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Good Times

Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches

VIDALIA, GA—Millionaire Georgia businessman Hoyt Mullins, Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, told supporters at a campaign stop Monday that he can do for the government what he did for turkey ranches.

The turkey rancher greets supporters in Macon.

"Starting with just two employees in 1979, I built a $165 million-a-year turkey-ranching operation that now employs more than 350 people," said Mullins, who is seeking to take Democratic incumbent Max Cleland's seat. "If I can do that, just imagine what I could do for the state of Georgia and this nation."

"If the U.S. government were a corporation, it would have gone out of business long ago," Mullins continued. "Congress is the only place where you can operate at a loss for decades without worrying about going belly-up. What Washington needs is somebody with an eye on the bottom line. And the bottom line is what Hoyt Mullins is all about."

Though he has no experience in government or law, Mullins has been successful in the private sector. Over the past two decades, he has transformed Mullins Turkey Farms from a small family-owned turkey farm into Georgia's third-largest poultry producer, encompassing 26 turkey ranches, three turkey-processing plants, and a turkey-products distribution network.

Mullins hopes to put this experience to work serving the needs of the American people.

"In business, the key is to keep the customer satisfied," Mullins continued. "You, the customer of this government, have received terrible service, but unlike in the business world, you can't just leave and go to a competitor. America's customers deserve better."

Added Mullins: "I didn't expand my turkey enterprise into a 26-ranch operation by wasting money on a bunch of bureaucratic nonsense. In this current economy, our nation needs to cut out the fat. Cut it out, process it, can it, and sell it as gravy."

Since deciding to run for office, Mullins has been brushing up on his knowledge of federal law and congressional procedure.

"I may not know all the ins and outs of legislating quite yet, but I do know one thing," Mullins said. "I know a line of bull when I see it, and none of that is going to get by Senator Mullins. The buck stops here. You can print that."

One of the senate candidate's 26 turkey farms.

Mullins said he decided to run for Congress "after getting fed up with watching those yahoos on the TV mucking up everything up there in Washington." After forming an exploratory committee to assess his chances, Mullins converted $2.4 million of his own assets into cash and hired a team to organize his bid for the Senate.

Mullins said he has many plans for improving the "shameful, messed-up situation in our government."

"I've run a business for 23 years, and not once have I had a budget deficit," Mullins said. "If I wanted to expand, I did it by selling more turkeys. This country needs to be selling more turkeys."

"When I want something done, I want it done now," Mullins continued. "None of this filibustering and committeeizing. When I say, 'Get that pile of feathers outta here,' it'd better be gone the next time I walk around that outbuilding."

According to Mullins, fundamental to making a business—or a government—work is streamlining the process, or "quickening up the turnaround."

"I know about government log jams," Mullins said. "I've dealt with log jams all my life. When something is holding up the processes of our democracy, you've just got to get in there with a broom and clean out all that muck that's been collecting. Just take the stick end of a broom to it and scrape out all that gunk—all that dirt and grease and hair and gristle and chunks of Lord-knows-what, beaks and feet and other what-have-you."

Mullins, who is seeking the Republican nomination in the Aug. 20 primary for the right to face Cleland in November, leads rival Saxby Chambliss by a slim margin in most polls.

During an appearance at a Columbus, GA, senior center last week, Mullins responded to Chambliss' charge that he lacks the experience to be in Congress.

"I've got experience," Mullins said. "Hell, I've got more experience than half the Senate and House combined. In my life, I've been a truck driver, a warehouse manager, a car salesman, an auto mechanic, an accountant, a ditch digger, a chicken plucker, and a shit shoveler. If that don't qualify me to run this country, I don't know what does."