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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Millions Of Gallons Of Oil Spill Into Washington From Ruptured Rex Tillerson

WASHINGTON—In what is being called one of the greatest disasters of its kind, millions of gallons of oil began spilling into Washington on Friday following a rupture in Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. “There’s been a failure in his containment system, and now oil is gushing out of his left shoulder at a rate of 5,000 barrels per day,” said chief rig operator Kevin Sullivan, adding that having the senior cabinet official in such a heavily inhabited area was an environmental catastrophe waiting to happen, as the 65-year-old former ExxonMobil CEO should have been decommissioned years ago due to his age and deterioration. “We first tried putting a containment dome over him, but after that failed, we began airlifting affected citizens out of the greater Washington area and then removing the oil via controlled burns, while using remotely operated vehicles to plug Tillerson with cement. Cleanup crews are working around the clock to alleviate the damage, but we project the losses from this disaster to be in the billions, not to mention the grave impact it will have on the ecology of the region.” At press time, the disaster relief team had successfully managed to divert some of the flow to EPA administrator Scott Pruitt.

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