Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Millions Of Gallons Of Oil Spill Into Washington From Ruptured Rex Tillerson

WASHINGTON—In what is being called one of the greatest disasters of its kind, millions of gallons of oil began spilling into Washington on Friday following a rupture in Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. “There’s been a failure in his containment system, and now oil is gushing out of his left shoulder at a rate of 5,000 barrels per day,” said chief rig operator Kevin Sullivan, adding that having the senior cabinet official in such a heavily inhabited area was an environmental catastrophe waiting to happen, as the 65-year-old former ExxonMobil CEO should have been decommissioned years ago due to his age and deterioration. “We first tried putting a containment dome over him, but after that failed, we began airlifting affected citizens out of the greater Washington area and then removing the oil via controlled burns, while using remotely operated vehicles to plug Tillerson with cement. Cleanup crews are working around the clock to alleviate the damage, but we project the losses from this disaster to be in the billions, not to mention the grave impact it will have on the ecology of the region.” At press time, the disaster relief team had successfully managed to divert some of the flow to EPA administrator Scott Pruitt.

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