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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate

NEW YORK—Following tonight’s debate between President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney, millions of Americans took to the Internet to read the views and responses of others so that they themselves could ultimately figure out how they felt about the candidates’ performances. “I need to see what complete and total strangers are saying on Twitter and Facebook, read what the political pundits on CNN.com are writing, and then maybe I can reach my own conclusion about the debate I just watched,” said Raleigh, NC resident Jarrod Kakofski, adding that while he has a “gut feeling” about who won the contest, he would rather see if those thoughts are supported by political analysts and other online commentators “just in case [his] opinion ends up being wrong.” “I won’t be able to offer any ideas about the candidates’ policy proposals, body language, or overall relatability until I get online and am told which person I was supposed to like most.” Viewers nationwide also confirmed they would need to consult The Huffington Post before deciding what they thought about the performance of debate moderator Candy Crowley.

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