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Millions Of Americans Travel To Kentucky To Attend Barbaro's Funeral

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

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SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

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Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

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Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

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NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

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Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

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Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

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No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

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Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

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Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

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WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

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Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

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Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

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Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

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Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

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2015 NFL Season Preview

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Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

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Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

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Millions Of Americans Travel To Kentucky To Attend Barbaro's Funeral

LOUISVILLE, KY—In a stirring show of love and respect, millions of people—including Barbaro's owners, breeders, associates, foreign dignitaries and heads of state from over 90 countries, celebrities, and throngs of grief-stricken Americans hoping to catch one last glimpse of the 4-year-old stallion before he was laid to rest—gathered at Churchill Downs Wednesday to mourn the passing of a national hero and a beloved horse.

Although many feared this day was inevitable following Barbaro's injury at the 2006 Preakness, the news of his death nonetheless stunned and saddened the millions of citizens who, over the past eight months, had come to identify with this 1,200-pound racehorse. Overcome with despair, people from Maine to California—many of whom had never even met Barbaro—made the long drive to the Bluegrass State to pay their final respects to the late thoroughbred.

"I came all the way down from New York so my 3-year-old son could be here," said Cynthia Grossman, who waited for nearly 12 hours outside the famed racetrack in freezing-cold conditions along with 2 million others whose lives were affected in some way by this horse. "He got a little scared when he saw Barbaro, since he didn't really understand what was going on. Sure, all he sees now is a dead horse in a casket, but when he grows up, he'll realize what a special moment this was for him and for America."

"Barbaro inspired all of us to do great things—the least I could do for him is say a proper goodbye," said Gerry Holbrook of Nashville, TN, who hitched a ride to Louisville Tuesday evening because he "felt it was the right thing to do." "Without Barbaro's example, I don't think I would be a lawyer."

At 8:30 a.m. Wednesday, a horse-drawn caisson transported Barbaro's body down a carefully planned route along Central Avenue, where people young and old stood silent, teary-eyed, and completely motionless save for the occasional salute. Once he arrived at Churchill Downs, his body was carried to the base of the grandstand by a team of 48 pallbearers. Dressed in his finest silks, and wearing his Kentucky Derby garland and Presidential Medal of Freedom around his neck, Barbaro lay in state inside his 18-foot-long, five-foot-deep mahogany casket.

Many remarked that he looked like he was at peace.

"Barbaro was a great horse, but an even better person," said Cheryl McElroy, still visibly shaken after filing past Barbaro's coffin and placing a single red rose upon it. "He taught us how to triumph over adversity and how to persevere in the face of overwhelming odds. He showed us that anyone could win the Kentucky Derby if they just believed in themselves—even you or I. And he proved that people can lead perfectly normal, productive lives after breaking their long pastern bone and being diagnosed with laminitis of the left hoof."

During the ceremony, the usually festive Churchill Downs was eerily quiet, with the only sounds in the building coming from the low rumble of muffled drums, the clacking of horses' hooves, and a dirge-like rendition of "My Old Kentucky Home" played in a minor key by the University of Louisville marching band. As they laid his casket on the bier, Elton John performed a special version of "Candle In The Wind" rewritten to describe Barbaro's tragically short life.

Barbaro's owners, Roy and Gretchen Jackson, decided not to deliver a eulogy, instead choosing to recite the play-by-play transcript of the 2006 Kentucky Derby, which was read in a stirring 114-second speech by Churchill Downs track announcer Luke Kruytbosch.

"I will never forget Barbaro," said Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who took a redeye flight out of Tehran upon hearing that Barbaro had passed away. "He was a special horse."

In addition to the millions of people on hand, some of Barbaro's closest colleagues, including Private Vow, Brother Derek, and Point Determined, were also in attendance. Although they remained mostly quiet throughout the ceremony, the looks in their dark, liquid eyes suggested that they, too, felt the same loss as the American people.

"Though he is gone, Barbaro's memory will live on forever in all the great things he did for this nation," said Kentucky Gov. Ernie Fletcher, who recently founded the Barbaro Foundation to help disadvantaged youths receive proper schooling and to provide medical assistance for AIDS patients in Africa. "He had a lot left to live for, and so much more left to give. I sometimes wish the Good Lord had taken me instead of him."

Although he was buried just yesterday, plans are already being made to honor the horse's memory with the rechristening and rededicating of several American institutions, such as Barbaro National Airport in Chicago, the monolithic Barbaro Monument in Washington, and the prestigious Barbaro School of Government at Harvard University.

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