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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Millions Of Dollars Of Scientific Research Helps Gatorade Create New Peach Flavor

BARRINGTON, IL—According to scientists at Gatorade's Sports Science Institute, the nearly $90 million and approximately 40,000 man-hours the corporation invested over the course of the last five years has resulted in a new peach-flavored Gatorade. "We used all of our available technology here at the GSSI, including our exercise sensorium, the biochemistry lab, an aerospace-grade centrifuge, gas chromatography of our original 1965 formula modified to accept artificial peach flavor, an experimental nanotechnological beverage laminar flowbench, and most important, a performance lab where we paid [Pittsburgh Penguins center] Sidney Crosby $12 million to ride a stationary bike uphill for 30 minutes, take a sip of the drink, and then fill out a comprehensive questionnaire in which he was asked if the substance tasted like peach or not," GSSI director Dr. Robert Murray told reporters Monday. "This is a huge technical and financial leap forward from the process we used to develop Gatorade blue, orange, yellowish-green, and dark blue." Upon taking a sip of the new drink after three "intense and exhausting" hours of playing Grand Theft Auto IV last Tuesday, Cleveland resident Sean Colgrave said the new flavor tasted "fine."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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