OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
BARRINGTON, IL—According to scientists at Gatorade's Sports Science Institute, the nearly $90 million and approximately 40,000 man-hours the corporation invested over the course of the last five years has resulted in a new peach-flavored Gatorade. "We used all of our available technology here at the GSSI, including our exercise sensorium, the biochemistry lab, an aerospace-grade centrifuge, gas chromatography of our original 1965 formula modified to accept artificial peach flavor, an experimental nanotechnological beverage laminar flowbench, and most important, a performance lab where we paid [Pittsburgh Penguins center] Sidney Crosby $12 million to ride a stationary bike uphill for 30 minutes, take a sip of the drink, and then fill out a comprehensive questionnaire in which he was asked if the substance tasted like peach or not," GSSI director Dr. Robert Murray told reporters Monday. "This is a huge technical and financial leap forward from the process we used to develop Gatorade blue, orange, yellowish-green, and dark blue." Upon taking a sip of the new drink after three "intense and exhausting" hours of playing Grand Theft Auto IV last Tuesday, Cleveland resident Sean Colgrave said the new flavor tasted "fine."