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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Millions Of Dollars Of Scientific Research Helps Gatorade Create New Peach Flavor

BARRINGTON, IL—According to scientists at Gatorade's Sports Science Institute, the nearly $90 million and approximately 40,000 man-hours the corporation invested over the course of the last five years has resulted in a new peach-flavored Gatorade. "We used all of our available technology here at the GSSI, including our exercise sensorium, the biochemistry lab, an aerospace-grade centrifuge, gas chromatography of our original 1965 formula modified to accept artificial peach flavor, an experimental nanotechnological beverage laminar flowbench, and most important, a performance lab where we paid [Pittsburgh Penguins center] Sidney Crosby $12 million to ride a stationary bike uphill for 30 minutes, take a sip of the drink, and then fill out a comprehensive questionnaire in which he was asked if the substance tasted like peach or not," GSSI director Dr. Robert Murray told reporters Monday. "This is a huge technical and financial leap forward from the process we used to develop Gatorade blue, orange, yellowish-green, and dark blue." Upon taking a sip of the new drink after three "intense and exhausting" hours of playing Grand Theft Auto IV last Tuesday, Cleveland resident Sean Colgrave said the new flavor tasted "fine."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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