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Politics

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches

WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed that Americans all over the country have eagerly assembled tonight to watch a much-anticipated television broadcast in which presidential candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will give a series of brief, meticulously rehearsed speeches on various domestic issues. “I can’t wait to hear what Obama and Romney have already practiced saying hundreds upon hundreds of times over the past few weeks in front of political strategists, media professionals, and image consultants,” said 34-year-old Suffolk, VA resident Shannon Donnelly, adding that she is most excited to hear the two candidates’ carefully rehearsed 90-to-120-second speeches on tax reform and job creation. “After months of campaign sound bites, we finally get to hear one candidate recite a carefully vetted position before pausing and allowing the other candidate to do the same. I am very much looking forward to one of them rebutting something the other says with a response that is painstakingly calculated down to even the slightest pause between words.” Sources also reported that voters are greatly looking forward to the evening of Oct. 16, when the candidates will gather in a town hall setting to respond to discreetly edited questions from handpicked members of the audience.

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