adBlockCheck

Politics

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches

WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed that Americans all over the country have eagerly assembled tonight to watch a much-anticipated television broadcast in which presidential candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will give a series of brief, meticulously rehearsed speeches on various domestic issues. “I can’t wait to hear what Obama and Romney have already practiced saying hundreds upon hundreds of times over the past few weeks in front of political strategists, media professionals, and image consultants,” said 34-year-old Suffolk, VA resident Shannon Donnelly, adding that she is most excited to hear the two candidates’ carefully rehearsed 90-to-120-second speeches on tax reform and job creation. “After months of campaign sound bites, we finally get to hear one candidate recite a carefully vetted position before pausing and allowing the other candidate to do the same. I am very much looking forward to one of them rebutting something the other says with a response that is painstakingly calculated down to even the slightest pause between words.” Sources also reported that voters are greatly looking forward to the evening of Oct. 16, when the candidates will gather in a town hall setting to respond to discreetly edited questions from handpicked members of the audience.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close