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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Millions Of Human Beings Experiencing Actual Emotions About J.J. Abrams Directing 'Star Wars'

NEW YORK—Following reports that J.J. Abrams will be directing the forthcoming Star Wars: Episode VII, sources confirmed today that millions of actual human beings are experiencing genuine psychological and physiological responses to the news. “Evidence suggests that there are currently multiple people existing in the world who are compelled, for some reason, to think and even speak to others about this subject, as though it were some sort of biological imperative,” said NYU sociology professor Dr. Herbert Winslow, who went on to explain that several of these humans are even displaying visible signs of demonstrable emotions such as anger, joy, and disappointment over the Star Trek director’s involvement in the film series. “We can also safely assume that this very same subsection of humans is, at this moment, feeling a more tangible connection to news related to this film series than they ever have about such subjects as the economy, international strife and poverty, or even their own friends and family.” Winslow went on to confirm the existence of several human beings even willing to read actual blocks of text such as this discussing J.J. Abrams and Star Wars.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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