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Millions Of Human Beings Experiencing Actual Emotions About J.J. Abrams Directing 'Star Wars'

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50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Millions Of Human Beings Experiencing Actual Emotions About J.J. Abrams Directing 'Star Wars'

NEW YORK—Following reports that J.J. Abrams will be directing the forthcoming Star Wars: Episode VII, sources confirmed today that millions of actual human beings are experiencing genuine psychological and physiological responses to the news. “Evidence suggests that there are currently multiple people existing in the world who are compelled, for some reason, to think and even speak to others about this subject, as though it were some sort of biological imperative,” said NYU sociology professor Dr. Herbert Winslow, who went on to explain that several of these humans are even displaying visible signs of demonstrable emotions such as anger, joy, and disappointment over the Star Trek director’s involvement in the film series. “We can also safely assume that this very same subsection of humans is, at this moment, feeling a more tangible connection to news related to this film series than they ever have about such subjects as the economy, international strife and poverty, or even their own friends and family.” Winslow went on to confirm the existence of several human beings even willing to read actual blocks of text such as this discussing J.J. Abrams and Star Wars.

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