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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Milosevic Dreams He's Slaughtering Ethnic Albanians In His Underwear

BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA—In an incident he described as "really freaky," Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic dreamed he was ordering the slaughter of tens of thousands of Kosovars while clad only in his underwear Tuesday. "Everything in the dream was totally normal, except, for some reason, I wasn't wearing any clothes," Milosevic said. "At one point, I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself to go home and get dressed, but I had to stay and order the mass execution of 2,400 villagers in the border town of Podujevo." Last Friday, Milosevic dreamed he was taking an exam with U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke on a mound of bodies near the Macedonian border.

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