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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Milton Bradley To Give Every Second Out Ball To Fans So He Doesn't Look Like An Idiot

CHICAGO—Since catching a one-out fly ball and prematurely giving it to a fan during Friday's loss to the Minnesota Twins, Chicago Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley has vowed to continue the practice, claiming that it's his "new thing." "Um, giving fans baseballs with two outs and runners on base is something I've always wanted to start doing," Bradley told reporters after Wednesday’s game against the White Sox, during which he cost the Cubs at least three runs. "It has nothing to do with me being a big idiot who doesn't pay attention to how may outs there are or anything like that. I'm a professional baseball player. Of course I know how many outs there are. Come on. Seriously." Cubs manager Lou Piniella has benched Bradley indefinitely, but said it was mainly for his disappointing batting average.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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