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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Milwaukee Fans Urge Bucks To Stop Blocking View Of Miami Heat

MILWAUKEE—While attending Thursday’s first-round playoff matchup between the Miami Heat and the Milwaukee Bucks, frustrated fans repeatedly urged their hometown team to stop blocking their view of the visiting Heat squad, sources confirmed. “Hey, get out of the way!” shouted Bucks season ticket holder Gary Bolden, who later told reporters he didn’t want Milwaukee players like Monta Ellis and Ersan Ilyasova obstructing his view of Miami superstars LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Ray Allen. “Come on, I paid good money for these seats! Go to the other side of the court and stop playing defense so I can watch these guys dunk! Oh, cool, you’re letting them dunk.” At press time, Bolden was attempting to get a better look at the Miami Heat by moving to one of the many vacant seats in the largely empty Milwaukee arena.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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