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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Minnesota Lynx World's Richest WNBA Team With Value Of $4

MINNEAPOLIS—According to a report by Forbes magazine, the Minnesota Lynx are easily the WNBA’s richest franchise, boasting an estimated enterprise value of nearly four dollars. “With merchandise revenue at 29 cents and season ticket sales topping a dollar for the first time in history, the Minnesota Lynx are a financial powerhouse in the WNBA,” wrote Forbes editor Mark Furlow, who also cited a diet soda a fan bought for $1.25 in September as a major reason for the team’s record-breaking profits. “Meanwhile, the team’s brand new uniforms, together with a colorful ‘Minnesota Lynx’ sign, accounted for a whopping 74 cents in assets, helping to propel the franchise to dizzying levels of success that other WNBA teams can only dream of.” Sources also confirmed that negotiations are currently underway to renew superstar forward Seimone Augustus’ contract while keeping the Lynx under the WNBA’s 55-cent salary cap.

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