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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Minor-League Baseball Player Has No Idea Which Team's Farm System He's In Anymore

BURLINGTON, VT—Utterly disoriented after changing minor-league teams and cities several times in the past year, Vermont Lake Monsters pitcher Shane McCatty told reporters Saturday that he no longer had any idea which MLB team's farm system he belonged to. "I might have been a Washington Nationals prospect at one point," said McCatty, who was uncertain if he had been traded, promoted, or demoted by the major-league parent club. "Maybe they switched affiliations or something. Anyone's guess is as good as mine. I'm almost positive [the Lake Monsters' parent team] isn't a mammal one. And it's definitely not a bird or a sock. I was thinking the Arizona Snakes, but that doesn't really sound right, either." McCatty reportedly concluded that the smartest thing for him to do right now was to focus on throwing baseballs, which he remained confident was one of his responsibilities.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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