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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Miracle Dog Gives Birth To Septuplets

ROANOKE, VA—The media-dubbed "Roanoke miracle dog," who goes only by the name "Ginger," has seven brand-new reasons to be overjoyed after giving birth to septuplets Saturday. Ginger, who without resorting to fertility drugs has been blessed twice before with quintuplets and nonuplets, welcomed her new ones into the world without any complications, despite having no assistance in the birthing process. Even more remarkable, Ginger is over 12 years old. "The birth of one puppy is a miracle in itself," said family vet Dr. Martha Davis. "To experience this wonder sevenfold is truly a gift from God." After spending a few days alone with their happy mommy, three of the puppies were given away to strangers and four were drowned in a bucket, because they were of a mixed breed and Ginger's owner wanted full Doxies.

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