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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Miracle Dog Gives Birth To Septuplets

ROANOKE, VA—The media-dubbed "Roanoke miracle dog," who goes only by the name "Ginger," has seven brand-new reasons to be overjoyed after giving birth to septuplets Saturday. Ginger, who without resorting to fertility drugs has been blessed twice before with quintuplets and nonuplets, welcomed her new ones into the world without any complications, despite having no assistance in the birthing process. Even more remarkable, Ginger is over 12 years old. "The birth of one puppy is a miracle in itself," said family vet Dr. Martha Davis. "To experience this wonder sevenfold is truly a gift from God." After spending a few days alone with their happy mommy, three of the puppies were given away to strangers and four were drowned in a bucket, because they were of a mixed breed and Ginger's owner wanted full Doxies.

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