Miracle Sports Bottle Has Name Of Bank On Side

Top Headlines

Recent News

New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Miracle Sports Bottle Has Name Of Bank On Side

SHIOCTON, WI—The banking and portable beverage communities were thrown into an uproar Sunday with the discovery of a plastic sports bottle mysteriously bearing the corporate logo of a local financial institution.

FirsTrust logo sports bottle.

The bottle, measuring over nine inches in height not counting the attached plastic straw, appears to be a perfectly normal beverage container crafted by human means. Inexplicable by science, however, is the miraculous logo of FirsTrust Federal Security Bank, embossed twice upon opposite sides of the bottle.

"I don't know what to make of this. I'm still shaking," said city groundskeeper Ed Rundell, who discovered the uncanny bottle at Veteran's Park during his evening rounds. "I believe a higher power has led me to this bottle, that we may all learn from its uniqueness."

Rundell's shift was proceeding as usual when he first eyed the object under a playground slide at approximately 7:15 p.m. "I thought, 'Oh, somebody left a sports bottle here,'" Rundell said at a packed press conference Monday. "I picked it up, figuring I'd take it to the lost and found. But then it caught my eye, something on the side of the bottle."

What he saw, Rundell said, changed his life forever. "It was the FirsTrust bank logo. On a sports bottle! FirsTrust doesn't make bottles! They don't make sports drinks! It launched my brain into a whirling paroxysm of contradictions that I have not recovered from, nor do I ever expect to."

Since the announcement of the bottle's discovery, the earth's citizens have been struggling to cope with the find, manifesting reactions ranging from exultation to panic. Veteran's Park and the surrounding countryside has become a sea of people extending for miles, ever pushing toward the central point where the bottle was discovered.

"I am rethinking my understanding of the cosmos and my place within it," said Des Moines, IA, realtor Ted Unger, one of millions who have made a pilgrimage to Shiocton this week to view the miraculous artifact. "I am also seriously considering banking at FirsTrust from now on."

A bearded, glassy-eyed man wearing what appeared to be a cardboard UFO costume said, "The sports-bottle-Atlanteans will make everything come through Alpha Centauri and Financial-Jesus-refreshment is gonna fix everything when the secret fiduciary planets align up at the blowing of the Gatorade-horn."

Scientists, meanwhile, are at a loss for an explanation. "One expects it to be an optical illusion, a trick of the light, or some kind of mass hallucination," said Cal Tech Professor Edwin Carver. "Yet there it is, plainly screened onto the bottle. There are forces at work here that humankind cannot yet comprehend and may not be ready to confront. Pandora's box has been shattered; may God help us all."

President Clinton, in his weekly radio address Monday, urged calm. "We must be strong, and let events take their rightful course. This bottle is a mystery the world has yet to solve, and solve it we will, in due time. Meanwhile, let us be considerate to our neighbors, trust in God, and believe that the answer will be with us, when it is time." Rumors that Clinton has transferred all his personal funds to FirsTrust could not be confirmed at press time.

The sports bottle is now in the Shiocton Parks Department lost and found, in a cardboard box with two baseball caps and a dog leash. If no alien or metaphysical entity claims the bottle in 30 days, it will officially become city property.

Next Story