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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Misbuttoned Coat Makes Perfectly Sane Woman Look Like Raving Lunatic

SEATTLE—After improperly buttoning her Gap wool-blend peacoat Monday morning, leaving 6 inches of excess material flapping down by her left leg, Hillary Wagner, 26, was transformed from a typical sane-looking woman into a shrieking asymmetrical loon. Wagner, a claims adjuster, reportedly did not notice her mistake before greeting coworkers, offering what was intended as a friendly "hi" but was, due to the visible bulge around her midsection, viewed as an attack. "My first thought after seeing her was, 'Who is this psychotic street person roaming around the office? Has society collapsed?'" boss Bob Waksberg said of his encounter with the half-crazed derelict. Fellow employees reported seeing a waxy red substance on Wagner's teeth, possible evidence that the maniac had just used her canines to rip out the jugular vein of another human being.

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