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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Misbuttoned Coat Makes Perfectly Sane Woman Look Like Raving Lunatic

SEATTLE—After improperly buttoning her Gap wool-blend peacoat Monday morning, leaving 6 inches of excess material flapping down by her left leg, Hillary Wagner, 26, was transformed from a typical sane-looking woman into a shrieking asymmetrical loon. Wagner, a claims adjuster, reportedly did not notice her mistake before greeting coworkers, offering what was intended as a friendly "hi" but was, due to the visible bulge around her midsection, viewed as an attack. "My first thought after seeing her was, 'Who is this psychotic street person roaming around the office? Has society collapsed?'" boss Bob Waksberg said of his encounter with the half-crazed derelict. Fellow employees reported seeing a waxy red substance on Wagner's teeth, possible evidence that the maniac had just used her canines to rip out the jugular vein of another human being.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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