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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Misbuttoned Coat Makes Perfectly Sane Woman Look Like Raving Lunatic

SEATTLE—After improperly buttoning her Gap wool-blend peacoat Monday morning, leaving 6 inches of excess material flapping down by her left leg, Hillary Wagner, 26, was transformed from a typical sane-looking woman into a shrieking asymmetrical loon. Wagner, a claims adjuster, reportedly did not notice her mistake before greeting coworkers, offering what was intended as a friendly "hi" but was, due to the visible bulge around her midsection, viewed as an attack. "My first thought after seeing her was, 'Who is this psychotic street person roaming around the office? Has society collapsed?'" boss Bob Waksberg said of his encounter with the half-crazed derelict. Fellow employees reported seeing a waxy red substance on Wagner's teeth, possible evidence that the maniac had just used her canines to rip out the jugular vein of another human being.

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