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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Misinformed Man Riding Out Storm In Bathtub Filled With Batteries

BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that “you can’t be too prepared,” Brooklyn resident and seriously misinformed man Jason Randolph told reporters today he plans to get through Hurricane Sandy by riding out the storm in a bathtub full of batteries. “With a storm of this magnitude, safety is key, so I’ve made sure I’m prepared by first filling my sink with flashlights and then climbing into a tub full of AA batteries,” the woefully misled man said as he burrowed beneath the pile of Duracells. “The more precautions you take, the better off you are. That’s why I’ve taped dozens of cans of soup to the windows and weighed down all my possessions with sandbags.” At press time, a hungry Randolph was planning to snack on some of the candles he had stocked his pantry with.

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