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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Misinformed Man Riding Out Storm In Bathtub Filled With Batteries

BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that “you can’t be too prepared,” Brooklyn resident and seriously misinformed man Jason Randolph told reporters today he plans to get through Hurricane Sandy by riding out the storm in a bathtub full of batteries. “With a storm of this magnitude, safety is key, so I’ve made sure I’m prepared by first filling my sink with flashlights and then climbing into a tub full of AA batteries,” the woefully misled man said as he burrowed beneath the pile of Duracells. “The more precautions you take, the better off you are. That’s why I’ve taped dozens of cans of soup to the windows and weighed down all my possessions with sandbags.” At press time, a hungry Randolph was planning to snack on some of the candles he had stocked his pantry with.

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