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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Misinformed Man Riding Out Storm In Bathtub Filled With Batteries

BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that “you can’t be too prepared,” Brooklyn resident and seriously misinformed man Jason Randolph told reporters today he plans to get through Hurricane Sandy by riding out the storm in a bathtub full of batteries. “With a storm of this magnitude, safety is key, so I’ve made sure I’m prepared by first filling my sink with flashlights and then climbing into a tub full of AA batteries,” the woefully misled man said as he burrowed beneath the pile of Duracells. “The more precautions you take, the better off you are. That’s why I’ve taped dozens of cans of soup to the windows and weighed down all my possessions with sandbags.” At press time, a hungry Randolph was planning to snack on some of the candles he had stocked his pantry with.

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