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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Miss America Called Before U.N. Council for Not promoting Enough World Peace

NEW YORK—Miss America 1996, 24-year-old Angela Pierce, was called into question Sunday during a special U.N. session for what many member nations believe to be her failed promise to effectively promote world peace. According to the U.N.’s special secretary for world peace-related affairs Gavin Theweles, “Your failure, Miss Pierce, to achieve world peace is in direct conflict with your stated promise to do so in the interview round of the 1995 Miss America Pageant.” Pierce, a college student from Tacoma, WA, was censured in a U.N. resolution passed by the 64-nation body. It also made reference to her other failed promises, made during the gala pageant held in Atlantic City last July, declaring that she had “not made the world a significantly safer and more loving place in which to raise her future children,” and had “only been marginally supportive of the other girls in the pageant.” The committee did, however, commend Miss America for looking elegant in evening wear.

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