Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

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Vol 30 Issue 18

Mit Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Twelve math and science professors at a Massachusetts Institute of Technology think-tank announced their latest brainstorming success Monday: twenty great holiday gift ideas for the co-worker or loved one who seems to have everything. "We dedicated ourselves to solving this most universal of problems," said team leader and biochemistry professor Charles J. Chang, "and we are proud to say we have come up with 20 great solutions." Among the ideas: a T-shirt reading, "It's Not a Beer Gut, It's a Gas Tank For a Sex Machine," available at Spencer Gifts; a hand-held electronic golf game from The Sharper Image; and a Corvette-shaped videotape rewinder from the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. "You can rewind your tapes in it," said team member Dr. Phillip Wasserstein. "Most people rewind them in their VCRs, but if you have one of these, you won't have to."

Area Stand-Up Comedian Questions The Deal With Drive-Thru Windows

ROYAL OAK, MI—In a stand-up routine delivered Saturday at the Laff Factory, stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli questioned the deal with drive-thru windows at fast-food restaurants. "What's the deal with that box you talk into?" inquired Campanelli. "It's like, 'HOOWARGA DOOMA DOOMA UBBAGUBBA OWOP OOWAARGH!' Am I right?" Campanelli went on to suggest that an intentionally unintelligible reply would be an amusing and appropriate response from a customer in such a situation, but continued to wonder as to the deal. Campanelli will repeat his line of inquiry next Friday and Saturday at 8:30 and 11 p.m. The 37-year-old comedian has questioned other deals in the past, including the deal with those little umbrellas that come in tropical drinks and the deal with the way women go to the bathroom in pairs, as if they are talking about some sort of top-secret woman thing in there or something.

Shareware Fee Paid

SAN FRANCISCO—The international computing community was stunned Monday following the announcement that San Francisco-area computer user Jeffrey Schaeffer had paid the requested $10 fee for the shareware puzzle game CubeMania. "I enjoyed the game," Schaeffer told reporters. "And since I am keeping it on my hard drive, it is my responsibility to pay the fee." By paying the $10, Schaeffer will receive free technical support for CubeMania and upgrades when they become available. Schaeffer also recently wrote the NFL for express written consent before watching a videotape of last year's Super Bowl with several friends.

People Don't Like To Look At Me In Traffic

In this world, some people are takers and some people are givers. Me, I'm a giver. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I like to contribute to the well-being of my fellow man, because Lord only knows how much longer we'll be stranded together on this crazy rock.

Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time

Jingle your bells over to the bijou, because it is now the holiday season that is the season when we have Christmas and the other holidays that so many families enjoy while spending time together in reverence and watching movies on the Silver Screen.

Rising Cable Rates

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?

Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.
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Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Moments after Melissa Kenner's crowning as the brand-new Miss Teen USA Sunday, the 17-year-old Joplin, MO, high-school senior used her newfound power to purge the Teen USA government and install herself as supreme leader for life.

Shortly after winning the Miss Teen USA crown, Melissa Kenner brutally consolidated power, executing pageant hosts Bob Goen and Shari Belafonte-Harper, among countless others.

"All hail Miss Teen USA," proclaimed Kenner, the 1996 Miss Teen Missouri, minutes after her ascension to the throne. "All hail the glorious new regime."

Employing a six-girl coalition to overthrow the panel of celebrity judges, Kenner firmly established herself as the new voice of power in Teen USA. "I am the prettiest," she said, shortly before declaring herself Miss Teen USA For Life. "I am also the sweetest."

Resplendent in a shimmering white evening gown and bedecked with the coveted Miss Teen USA tiara, Kenner tearfully waved and smiled at onlookers as she clutched a bouquet of roses, flanked by her elite, machine-gun-wielding secret police, the Revlon Guard. Mandatory audience applause was enforced with the threat of immediate execution.

Kenner, who hopes to be a veterinarian one day because she "totally loves horses," employed brutal force in establishing her military-style junta, seizing control of Teen USA's diplomatic, legislative and executive branches through swift, violent deployment of the Revlon Guard. The teenage beauty credited her successful seizure of power to "a bright smile, a positive attitude that goes 110 percent, a little vaseline on the teeth, and a willingness to kill anyone who stands in my way."

Despite the efforts of Teen USA officials, an 11th-hour play to reclaim power by pageant hosts Bob Goen and Shari Belafonte-Harper backfired, resulting in their on-air execution at Kenner's hands. Judges injured or killed in the purge include Home Improvement's Zachery Ty Bryan, Mary Kay Cosmetics vice-president Andrea Iwerks and Superstar Management CEO Albert Feuerstein.

Graves are dug at the site of a mass execution by Kenner's elite Revlon Guard.

Kenner's cabal of advisors and security staff includes Miss Congeniality Stephanie Smith of Connecticut and Salon Selectives' "Teen With Style" winner Missy Harris of Delaware.

"This is, like, exciting?" contestant Michelle DeVries of Minnesota told reporters as the drama unfolded. "I really think that I've learned a lot from this experience, like how tough it is to be popular and stuff." DeVries was later shot in the back of the head by a Teen USA death squad after New Hampshire's Kellye Adamson, Teen USA Minister of Propaganda, ruled her remarks "counter-revolutionary" and "treasonous against the state."

On Monday morning, Kenner declared martial law across Teen USA and unveiled the new constitution of her regime. "The law will be dispensed by me," Kenner announced at a nationally televised press conference. "Okay? Everybody has to do what I say, when I say, as I see fit. Only the popular shall determine the fate of the masses."

Among the original Miss Teen USA Pageant rules that she has already repealed is the rule barring pageant winners from dating during their term. "I shall date the boys I wish, when I wish," Kenner announced. "But I will not go to bed with them. I am saving myself for the man I marry, because sex is more special when you wait and also because of the risks involved."

Though no official contact has been made between the Teen USA government and that of the United States, White House officials have expressed a willingness to begin talks with the newly formed republic. When asked what she would say if she could converse with President Clinton about one issue, Kenner responded, "I would ask him to put more money into saving the environment, because when you think about it, this is the only planet that we have, and we need to make it a better place for our children to grow up in."

Added Kenner, "All enemies of the state will be crushed."

Kenner intends to use her $150,000 in cash and prizes to "consolidate Teen USA's power into an unstoppable military juggernaut." Her favorite movie is The Little Mermaid.

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