Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

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Vol 33 Issue 22

Suburban Teen Has Near-Def Experience

NEWTON, MA—Matthew Denny, a 17-year-old suburban Caucasian, is recuperating following a harrowing near-def experience Monday at Newton's NorthTowne Mall. "He came out of Bradlee's wearing a Starter jacket and Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirt, and suddenly he fell down and went into convulsions," witness Irene Wheeler said. "Writhing on the floor in those baggy pants, he looked like he was on the verge of def." Denny was rushed to a local hospital, where doctors administered emergency doses of Matchbox 20's Yourself Or Someone Like You.

Mongol Hordes Sack U.S.

An estimated $800 billion in damage was caused Monday when a horde of bloodthirsty Mongols sacked and pillaged the U.S. The horse-mounted Mongol warriors, operating from a stronghold in the Canadian wilderness, moved in from the north and plundered U.S. riches, sweeping as far south as Oklahoma before making their way back across the border. President Clinton is calling for the construction of a national moat to prevent future attacks.

Aerobics Show Used For Almost Completely Non-Aerobic Purpose

BELLEVUE, WA—The aerobics program Get Fit With Jenni was used for almost entirely non-aerobic purposes Tuesday, when Seattle-area 15-year-old Brian Elkins vigorously engaged in a low-impact cardiovascular workout while watching the TV show. Elkins performed his semi-aerobic routine while watching 22-year-old host Jenni Raye, clad in a spandex bikini-top and form-fitting lycra shorts, do hamstring-toning leg lifts while bent over on all fours. "We have determined that Brian's heart rate increased by about 35 percent during his semi-strenuous nine-minute regimen," said Elkins family physician Dr. Edward Farber. "His breathing rate likewise increased, and several large and small muscle groups received a modicum of aerobic movement and stretching." Elkins, who woke up with minor soreness the next day, said he "could really feel it working."

Report: Nuclear Arsenal Will Go Bad Unless Used By 2000

WASHINGTON, DC—A Defense Department report released Monday stated that the U.S. has barely a year and a half before its enormous stockpile of nuclear missiles goes bad. "Most of these weapons were manufactured in the mid-'70s with an expiration date of January 2000," the report read. Reacting quickly to the findings, Pentagon officials are hard at work fomenting overseas discord in hopes of preventing government waste.

Viagra Giving Hope To Thousands Of Struggling Stand-Up Comedians

Released only a few months ago, the new wonder-drug Viagra is providing hope for thousands of impotent stand-up acts across the U.S. "Could you imagine if Godzilla took Viagra?" said Chuckle Factory emcee Tony Campanelli, one of the many struggling stand-up performers whose sense of comedic vitality and virility have been boosted by the drug. "That Statue Of Liberty had better watch out." Chicago-area improv-troupe member Bobby Childs agreed. "We just ask the audience to suggest a popular new medication, and someone always yells Viagra. A laugh riot never fails to ensue," Childs said. "Medical science has truly blessed us with a second chance at pleasing audiences."

Area Turtle Owner Enjoys Special Daily Turtle-Time

DEARBORN, MI—Dennis Frye, 31, an unmarried lawn-care-supply wholesaler and home-turtle enthusiast, took special time out Monday, as he does every day, to enjoy quality care, feeding and maintenance of his pet turtle Sheldon.
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Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Moments after being crowned 1998 Miss Teen USA Sunday, Melissa Kenner, a 17-year-old Joplin, MO, high-school senior, used her newfound power to purge the Teen USA government and install herself as supreme leader for life.

Shortly after winning the Miss Teen USA crown, Melissa Kenner brutally consolidated power, executing pageant hosts Bob Goen and Shari Belafonte-Harper, among countless others.

"All hail Miss Teen USA," proclaimed Kenner, the 1997 Miss Teen Missouri, minutes after her ascension to the throne. "All hail the glorious new regime."

Employing a six-girl coalition to overthrow the panel of celebrity judges, Kenner firmly established herself as the supreme power in Teen USA. "I am the prettiest," she said, declaring herself Miss Teen USA For Life. "I am also the sweetest."

Resplendent in a shimmering white evening gown and bedecked with the coveted Miss Teen USA tiara, Kenner tearfully waved and smiled at onlookers as she clutched a bouquet of roses, flanked by her elite, machine-gun-wielding secret police, the Revlon Guard. Mandatory audience applause was enforced with the threat of immediate execution.

Kenner, who hopes to be a veterinarian one day because "I love horses so much," employed brutal force in establishing her military-style junta, seizing control of Teen USA through swift, violent deployment of the Revlon Guard. The teen beauty credited her success to "a bright smile, a positive attitude and a willingness to eliminate anyone who stands in my way."

Kenner's inner circle includes Miss Congeniality Amanda Rochlin of Connecticut and Salon Selectives' "Teen With Style" winner Missy Harris of Delaware.

An 11th-hour attempt to reclaim power by pageant hosts Bob Goen and Shari Belafonte-Harper backfired, resulting in their on-air execution at Kenner's hands. Celebrity judges critically wounded in the purge include Home Improvement's Zachery Ty Bryan, Mary Kay Cosmetics vice-president Andrea Iwerks and Superstar Management CEO Albert Sloan.

Graves are dug at the site of a mass execution by Kenner's elite Revlon Guard.

On Monday, Kenner declared martial law across Teen USA and unveiled the new constitution of her regime. "The law will be dispensed by me, okay?" she said. "Everybody has to do what I say, when I say, as I see fit. Only the popular shall determine the fate of the masses."

Among the original Miss Teen USA Pageant rules she has already repealed is the one barring pageant winners from dating during their term. "I shall date the boys I wish, when I wish," Kenner said. "But I will not go to bed with them. I am saving myself for the man I marry, because sex is more special when you wait."

Though no formal diplomatic relations have been established between the Teen USA government and that of the U.S., White House officials have expressed a willingness to open a line of dialogue with the newly formed republic. When asked what she would say if she could talk to President Clinton about one issue, Kenner said, "I would ask him to put more money into saving the environment, because, when you think about it, this is the only planet we've got, and we need to make it a better place for our children to grow up in."

Added Kenner: "All enemies of the state will be crushed."

Kenner intends to use her $150,000 in cash and prizes to "consolidate Teen USA's power into an unstoppable military juggernaut." Her favorite movie is Titanic.

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