Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

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Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Moments after being crowned 1998 Miss Teen USA Sunday, Melissa Kenner, a 17-year-old Joplin, MO, high-school senior, used her newfound power to purge the Teen USA government and install herself as supreme leader for life.

Shortly after winning the Miss Teen USA crown, Melissa Kenner brutally consolidated power, executing pageant hosts Bob Goen and Shari Belafonte-Harper, among countless others.

"All hail Miss Teen USA," proclaimed Kenner, the 1997 Miss Teen Missouri, minutes after her ascension to the throne. "All hail the glorious new regime."

Employing a six-girl coalition to overthrow the panel of celebrity judges, Kenner firmly established herself as the supreme power in Teen USA. "I am the prettiest," she said, declaring herself Miss Teen USA For Life. "I am also the sweetest."

Resplendent in a shimmering white evening gown and bedecked with the coveted Miss Teen USA tiara, Kenner tearfully waved and smiled at onlookers as she clutched a bouquet of roses, flanked by her elite, machine-gun-wielding secret police, the Revlon Guard. Mandatory audience applause was enforced with the threat of immediate execution.

Kenner, who hopes to be a veterinarian one day because "I love horses so much," employed brutal force in establishing her military-style junta, seizing control of Teen USA through swift, violent deployment of the Revlon Guard. The teen beauty credited her success to "a bright smile, a positive attitude and a willingness to eliminate anyone who stands in my way."

Kenner's inner circle includes Miss Congeniality Amanda Rochlin of Connecticut and Salon Selectives' "Teen With Style" winner Missy Harris of Delaware.

An 11th-hour attempt to reclaim power by pageant hosts Bob Goen and Shari Belafonte-Harper backfired, resulting in their on-air execution at Kenner's hands. Celebrity judges critically wounded in the purge include Home Improvement's Zachery Ty Bryan, Mary Kay Cosmetics vice-president Andrea Iwerks and Superstar Management CEO Albert Sloan.

Graves are dug at the site of a mass execution by Kenner's elite Revlon Guard.

On Monday, Kenner declared martial law across Teen USA and unveiled the new constitution of her regime. "The law will be dispensed by me, okay?" she said. "Everybody has to do what I say, when I say, as I see fit. Only the popular shall determine the fate of the masses."

Among the original Miss Teen USA Pageant rules she has already repealed is the one barring pageant winners from dating during their term. "I shall date the boys I wish, when I wish," Kenner said. "But I will not go to bed with them. I am saving myself for the man I marry, because sex is more special when you wait."

Though no formal diplomatic relations have been established between the Teen USA government and that of the U.S., White House officials have expressed a willingness to open a line of dialogue with the newly formed republic. When asked what she would say if she could talk to President Clinton about one issue, Kenner said, "I would ask him to put more money into saving the environment, because, when you think about it, this is the only planet we've got, and we need to make it a better place for our children to grow up in."

Added Kenner: "All enemies of the state will be crushed."

Kenner intends to use her $150,000 in cash and prizes to "consolidate Teen USA's power into an unstoppable military juggernaut." Her favorite movie is Titanic.