After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News

Missed Call From Dad At 9 A.M. Strikes Terror Into Area Man’s Heart

HARRISBURG, PA—While checking his phone shortly after arriving at work today, local man Scott Teresi was reportedly gripped by a sudden sense of abject terror upon noticing he had missed a call from his father at 9:09 a.m. “Oh, God,” said the petrified 31-year-old, who is said to have immediately and involuntarily started imagining numerous unpleasant scenarios that might have prompted his father’s attempted communication at such an hour on a weekday, ranging from a sudden downturn in his grandmother’s health, to an accident involving his mother, to the dissolution of his parents’ marriage, to some unforeseen, chilling admission from his father that he could not even begin to envision. “He knows I’m at work, but he still decided to call? This is definitely not going to be good. Fuck.” At press time, Teresi was staring at his father’s 26-second voicemail, trying to work up the nerve to press play.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.