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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Missed Extra Point From 1979 Comes Back To Haunt Jets

CLEVELAND— Jets head coach Eric Mangini blamed "a lack of attention to detail" and the "long shadow of our franchise's historical mistakes" for Sunday's poor showing against the Browns, noting that a long-lamented missed PAT from 1979 had finally had enough of a negative effect to cause a Jets loss. "I remember when Frank Gifford was calling that game, he said that missed extra point would cost us later on," said Mangini, who said an underperforming offense was also a minor factor. "I mean, I was only 8, and the Jets beat the Dolphins 33-17, but I knew it was just a matter of time." Jets quarterback Chad Pennington said he had also felt the 27-year-old miss hanging over his head, particularly during the fourth quarter of the game and the late 1990s.

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