adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Missed Extra Point From 1979 Comes Back To Haunt Jets

CLEVELAND— Jets head coach Eric Mangini blamed "a lack of attention to detail" and the "long shadow of our franchise's historical mistakes" for Sunday's poor showing against the Browns, noting that a long-lamented missed PAT from 1979 had finally had enough of a negative effect to cause a Jets loss. "I remember when Frank Gifford was calling that game, he said that missed extra point would cost us later on," said Mangini, who said an underperforming offense was also a minor factor. "I mean, I was only 8, and the Jets beat the Dolphins 33-17, but I knew it was just a matter of time." Jets quarterback Chad Pennington said he had also felt the 27-year-old miss hanging over his head, particularly during the fourth quarter of the game and the late 1990s.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close