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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Missing Boy Scout Earns Publicity Badge

KAMAS, UT—Boy Scout Brennan Hawkins, 11, who received national media coverage after he wandered off during his troop's June camping trip in the Utah mountains, was awarded a merit badge for publicity Monday. "Brennan was successfully mentioned on every major network during all news cycles, and succeeded in increasing public perception of both himself and the Boy Scouts," said Scout leader Troy Feyton. "I am proud to award him this rare merit badge, and pray he returns to us safe and sound once he has completed the talk-show circuit." Feyton confirmed that Boy Scout officials have revoked Hawkins' navigation, orienteering, and wilderness-survival merit badges.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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