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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Missing Girl Elected To Aruban Parliament

ORANJESTAD, ARUBA—In a surprise election result, Aruban voters elected missing Alabama teen Natalee Holloway to their parliament Tuesday. "The people of Aruba know that Miss Holloway has been through hell and, possibly, back, and that means a lot to us," said Fredis Oduber, who cast his ballot for Holloway along with 87 percent of his countrymen. "Our congratulations and prayers are with her family at this time." The incumbent in Holloway's seat is expected to serve until MP-elect Holloway takes office or her body is found.

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