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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Missing Girl's Family Really Hates To Part With Reward

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Although abducted 8-year-old Becca Schwalls has been safely returned to her family, her parents are "sort of having second thoughts" about the $25,000 reward they offered following her July 11 disappearance. "That's kind of a lot of money," father Karl Schwalls said. "That was going to be our ATV fund... I'm thinking five grand is fair." Schwalls added that, although he is "overjoyed" to have Becca back safe and sound, he has always taught her that "a good deed is its own reward."

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