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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mississippi Bans Soft Drinks Smaller Than 20 Ounces

JACKSON, MS—Citing a wish to maintain the quality of life for residents across the state, the Mississippi Senate on Thursday passed a bill outlawing the sale of soft drinks in containers smaller than 20 ounces. “We have a responsibility to ensure that Mississippians are consuming sugary beverages at an acceptably high and constant rate, and this ban will see to it that this standard is upheld,” said State Sen. Terry W. Brown (R-District 17) in a morning news conference, adding that the new law will be strictly enforced by state authorities and that any business caught selling soda, coffee, tea, lemonade, sports drinks, or energy drinks in standard cans or containers rather than 64 or 85-oz. cups will be subject to a fine. “This isn’t just about the comfort of individual consumers, it’s about the welfare and overall happiness of entire communities. The fact that a resident of this state could consume less than the equivalent of 16 packets of sugar in one beverage is simply unacceptable, and it demands immediate action.” Brown also called for stricter limits on diet sodas, the sale of which Mississippi lawmakers hope to restrict to minors by the end of the year.

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