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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mississippi Brings Down Yet Another National Average

WASHINGTON—With a new study ranking it last among the 50 states yet again, Mississippi once more brought down the overall national average on another key quality-of-life indicator Monday. "We thought the U.S. had already hit rock bottom on [the statistical measurement of social progress]," researcher Charlie Ong said during a presentation to government officials. "But just look at this line graph before and after the data for Mississippi is added. See? Ugh." Observers noted that if you factor in truck-fixin' and waving from porches, Mississippi still does pretty good for itself.

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