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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Missy Franklin

Swimming — Centennial, Colorado

Favorite Musical Artist: Who cares? Really, who the fuck cares?

Accomplishment: Once swam to bottom of pool and touched grate

Special Skills: Excellent breath control during post-race interview

Biggest Inspiration: Her coach, who bends over pool at every meet, yelling, “Swim! Swim! Swim a lot! Keep swimming!”

Weaknesses: Still has to hold nose underwater like little baby

NEXT: Kim Rhode

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