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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.
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MIT Scientists Create Robot Capable Of Feeling Lust

Scientists say the machine is capable of approximating truly lifelike expressions of lust.
Scientists say the machine is capable of approximating truly lifelike expressions of lust.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Heralding the breakthrough as a landmark achievement for artificial intelligence, engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday that they have successfully developed the first robot capable of feeling human lust.

Lead researcher Tomás Soto, who confirmed that the invention features a highly advanced operating system, powerful data processors, and cutting-edge optical sensors, told reporters that the machine’s behavior was so lifelike that it can take one look at a person and grow uncontrollably aroused, becoming completely consumed by its own passionate sexual appetite.

“The idea that a robot might lust, much like you or I can lust, has long captured the imaginations of scientists,” said Soto, adding that for decades engineers have strived to create automatons with the ability to feel intense carnal yearning. “Today, our lab has finally succeeded in making a computer capable of the sudden bursts of overwhelming desire and lascivious cravings that are at the core of what it means to be a human being.”

The product of eight years of experimentation, the robot’s central processing unit reportedly has the capacity to generate over 2.5 million erotic impulses per second. After fixating on an image of a person it desires, the machine reportedly enters an infinite loop, obsessively analyzing the image until it can analyze nothing else.

While the initial results were reportedly discouraging when a prototype failed to display the most basic lewd cravings, the MIT scientists said they upgraded hardware components and added a sexual objectification program, instructing the robot to perform tasks such as leering at women’s posteriors, legs, and breasts.

“They said we couldn’t build a conscious machine that perpetually lusts for flesh, but we achieved that objective and much more,” said Soto, boasting that the automaton possesses the computational power to obsessively fantasize about salacious encounters as rapidly as an average 18-year-old male. “This robot wants more than anything to throw a person down on a bed and have sex with them.”

According to researchers, the first major breakthrough occurred in June of 2011, when the robot completely lost its sense of boundaries and personal space as soon as 29-year-old technician Julia Breton entered the room to work on the machine.

“Our robot started giving off this strange, domineering energy, making sudden, aggressive movements whenever I moved,” said Breton, who mentioned that she noticed the speed of the robot’s cooling fan had increased and the motor strained as it edged toward her. “Before long it was pretty obvious that it was completely preoccupied with me.”

“Just being near it made me feel extremely uncomfortable,” Breton added.

Soto confirmed that the engineers knew they were closer to attaining their lofty goals after they observed the robot’s arm mechanisms growing tense and its console starting to overheat every time Breton entered its line of sight.

“That was one of those moments when you could feel the line between man and machine starting to blur,” said Soto, adding that lust was previously believed to be an intrinsically human experience. “My colleagues and I knew simply by looking its visual sensors that we had created a machine that desperately wanted to fuck.”

“It gave us an incredible sense of pride,” he added.

Despite his team’s achievement, Soto said the next phase of research will have to wait several months as they rebuild the robot, which violently self-destructed after realizing it would never—indeed, could never—be with Dr. Breton.

More from this section

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

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