Supreme Court

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
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Mitch McConnell Has Hands, Vocal Cords Removed To Prevent Self From Holding Hearing On Scalia Replacement

WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia. “Senator McConnell feels very strongly that the next president should decide this issue, and has elected to undergo surgical procedures to amputate both hands and sever his vocal cords to ensure that anyone nominated by President Obama for the vacant Supreme Court seat will receive neither a Senate hearing nor a confirmation vote,” said McConnell’s press secretary, Robert Steurer, adding that the top-ranking Republican would remain steadfast in his opposition to any liberal-leaning appointee by completely eliminating his ability to write, speak, or strike a gavel to open a legislative session. “Senator McConnell is extremely committed to upholding his party’s ideals. Though there will be intense pressure to give in, the Senate majority leader is no longer physically capable of wavering on this issue.” At press time, sources confirmed McConnell was gouging his eyes out to avoid even being able to read the name of Obama’s forthcoming nominee.

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