Mitt Romney Announces He's Running For His Life

In This Section

Vol 46 Issue 22

Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour

PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had entered its fifth hour, with Zambrano refusing to be replaced by left-handed relief pitch...

Rajon Rondo

The Celtics point guard has been the surprise of the playoffs, eclipsing even his three superstar teammates. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Mitt Romney Announces He's Running For His Life

LOS ANGELES—Darting across the set of The Tonight Show to enthusiastic applause, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney announced Tuesday that he was running for his life. "Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot wait any longer," a sweating and breathless Romney said as he looked back frantically over his shoulder. "After rapidly consulting with my family, I have decided that now, more than ever, is the perfect time for me to GAAAHH!" After jumping over bandleader Kevin Eubanks and barreling his way backstage, the political candidate added, "My name is Mitt Romney and I hope to live to be Mitt Romney in 2012!"

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More