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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Mitt Romney Frantically Running Around Ohio Smiling And Waving

CANTON, OH—As part of an effort to cut into President Obama’s lead in the crucial swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney reportedly ran at full speed Monday around the entire state screaming “Hello!” at the top of his lungs while smiling and waving indiscriminately. “Hello, Ohio! How ya doing? Hi! How is everybody? I’m Mitt Romney!” the breathless, sweat-drenched candidate spat out randomly as he tore across the state without pause, furiously kissing babies and tossing them backwards over his shoulder in a mad dash that has now taken him through 30 of Ohio’s 88 counties. “The beautiful state of Ohio! Go Buckeyes! Jobs! Ohio! Hello! I’m Mitt Romney!” At press time, Romney had reportedly dived through the plate-glass front window of a North Canton bar, scrambled to his feet, wolfed down a large plate of pancakes, waved to restaurant patrons for five seconds, furiously stammered out a few words about the economy, stumbled out through the front door, and sprinted in the direction of Youngstown.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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