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Politics

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Mitt Romney Frantically Running Around Ohio Smiling And Waving

CANTON, OH—As part of an effort to cut into President Obama’s lead in the crucial swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney reportedly ran at full speed Monday around the entire state screaming “Hello!” at the top of his lungs while smiling and waving indiscriminately. “Hello, Ohio! How ya doing? Hi! How is everybody? I’m Mitt Romney!” the breathless, sweat-drenched candidate spat out randomly as he tore across the state without pause, furiously kissing babies and tossing them backwards over his shoulder in a mad dash that has now taken him through 30 of Ohio’s 88 counties. “The beautiful state of Ohio! Go Buckeyes! Jobs! Ohio! Hello! I’m Mitt Romney!” At press time, Romney had reportedly dived through the plate-glass front window of a North Canton bar, scrambled to his feet, wolfed down a large plate of pancakes, waved to restaurant patrons for five seconds, furiously stammered out a few words about the economy, stumbled out through the front door, and sprinted in the direction of Youngstown.

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