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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks

DENVER—As his opponent Barack Obama responded to a question during Wednesday night’s presidential debate on domestic policy, Republican nominee Mitt Romney reportedly took a few moments to scribble down some ideas for points to hit during his upcoming Nov. 6 concession speech. “It’s been a long journey, never stop fighting, etc., deeply grateful to all of those who stood by me and fought with me (fill in later),” wrote Romney, underlining the phrase “my wife, Ann” several times and using an entire page to list colleagues he would thank for their tireless efforts. “Maybe close with something about standing by the president even if I don’t agree with all his policies, he cares about America as much as I do—too cliché? Run it by Matt. Blue shirt, red tie.” Having written out his thoughts, Mr. Romney then looked up from the podium and stated that he did not agree with President Obama’s answer.

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