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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks

DENVER—As his opponent Barack Obama responded to a question during Wednesday night’s presidential debate on domestic policy, Republican nominee Mitt Romney reportedly took a few moments to scribble down some ideas for points to hit during his upcoming Nov. 6 concession speech. “It’s been a long journey, never stop fighting, etc., deeply grateful to all of those who stood by me and fought with me (fill in later),” wrote Romney, underlining the phrase “my wife, Ann” several times and using an entire page to list colleagues he would thank for their tireless efforts. “Maybe close with something about standing by the president even if I don’t agree with all his policies, he cares about America as much as I do—too cliché? Run it by Matt. Blue shirt, red tie.” Having written out his thoughts, Mr. Romney then looked up from the podium and stated that he did not agree with President Obama’s answer.

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