Mitt Romney Reaches Out To Young Voters With Laser Tag Pizza Party

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Vol 48 Issue 37

Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now

RENO, NV—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, sources are reporting that Republican nominee Mitt Romney is now just telling people he grew up des...

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Mark Carson has made it his duty to immediately inform friends and family of any celebrity deaths, no matter what the deceased’s level of fame.

Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman

Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, a personal trainer makes a man put on a humiliating little show for the entire gym, and Google's 9/11 homepage design stirs controversy.

No One Murdered Because Of This Image

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives thr...
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Mitt Romney Reaches Out To Young Voters With Laser Tag Pizza Party

MANCHESTER, NH—Seeking new ways to appeal to the 18-to-29-year-old electorate, Mitt Romney hosted the first of several planned “Rockin’ Romney Friday Nite GOPizza Parties” at a local amusement center, featuring laser tag, rock and roll music, and free pepperoni pizza for every eligible voter. “Hey, gang, come grab a slice of pizza and play all the games you want!” the 65-year-old candidate shouted while handing out video game tokens and Romney 2012 lick-and-stick tattoos. “Get yourself a root beer, too. And have fun! But no horseplay, okay?” Attendee Bradley Stafford, 27, stated that while he personally had no objection to the offering of laser tag, he would have preferred a discussion of policies that might help his family keep its home out of foreclosure, as well as some diet soda options.

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