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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Mitt Romney Soars In Polls After Leaving Country

WASHINGTON—According to a newly released USA Today/Gallup poll, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's favorability has surged to 64 percent since he left the country Wednesday for a three-nation overseas trip. "Once Gov. Romney was no longer within the borders of the United States and was instead many thousands of miles away from American voters, his popularity immediately spiked across almost all demographics," said political analyst Mark Halperin, noting that the electorate has been invigorated by Romney's complete absence from campaign events, rallies, and town hall meetings. "It seems that the farther away Romney travels, the more people like him. By the time his plane touches down in Israel, I wouldn't be surprised if his favorability rating isn't somewhere in the high 70s." Experts were quick to note the number remains well below Romney’s historical high of 89 percent, reached in February 2008 when the former Massachusetts governor announced his withdrawal from that year's presidential race.

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