Mix Tape Expresses Subtleties Of Long-Term Relationship

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Vol 33 Issue 11

Olympic Speed Skater Thinking About Maybe Taking Out The Garbage

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—U.S. Olympic speed skater Jared Wells, 24, who placed sixth in the 500-meter sprint at last month's Nagano Games, is reportedly thinking about maybe taking out the garbage. "Yeah, those pizza boxes are really starting to pile up there," said Wells, speaking from his living-room couch. "I guess I should take care of that. But first I'm gonna finish building this house made out of Entertainment Weekly subscription-card inserts."

Governor Pardons Self For Living

LANSING, MI—Michigan governor John Engler issued a formal pardon to himself for living Tuesday. "Like, excuse me for living, okay?" read the four-page pardon, which absolves Engler from all culpability in his own existence. "I guess I'm not God. Hope that's okay with everybody." The sneering, sarcastic tone of the gubernatorial pardon is believed to be a reaction to the widespread criticism leveled at Engler in recent weeks, including a Lansing News-Clarion editorial calling him "Governor Lame-o" and a report by Detroit's NBC-TV affiliate suggesting that he "get half a clue." "I am sooo sorry I didn't live up to your expectations," Engler said.

Ganymede Totalled In Three-Moon Pileup

PALO ALTO, CA—Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory are citing "lunar error" as the cause of the three-moon pileup that totalled Ganymede and severely dented Callisto and Europa Monday, causing an estimated $700 quadrillion in damage. "Apparently, a comet passed within Saturn's orbit just ahead of Callisto," Observatory associate director Charles Rayburn said, "causing Callisto to swerve and lose control, colliding with Europa and creating a pileup which Ganymede struck from behind." None of the three moons were insured.

Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living

BOSTON—Sources confirmed Monday that Walter and Nancy Brandt, grandparents of Boston-area systems consultant Charles Brandt, 31, still do not have the slightest idea what their grandson does for a living. "We are very proud of our Charles," said Nancy, 82. "Whatever he does in that job of his, I'm sure it's very impressive." Said Walter: "I think what Charles does is make sure companies have enough computers and employees so that they can—oh, I haven't a clue." The couple also has no idea what their granddaughter, Erica Haselrig, a Lodi, NJ, human-resources supervisor, does for a living.

Sudanese Youths Go Wild For Great Taste Of Any Food Whatsoever

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In the biggest fad to sweep Sudan's thrill-seeking teens since 1994's "extreme thirst" craze, youths in this Northeast African nation are going wild for the great taste of any food whatsoever. The new "absolutely anything edible" fad is reflected in current Sudanese youth fashions, dominated by neon-colored, zebra-striped hats and shirts featuring slogans like, "Do you have any food?" and "I am extremely hungry." Sociologist Gavin Werner of Tufts University explained the craze: "For these young people, such fads are a way of setting themselves apart from their parents and forging a generational identity of their own. They are also starving to death and must obtain food if they are to live much longer."

Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

It's True (Or Drew) Love!

Item! Has heavyweight funnyman Drew Carrey finally found love? According to my reliable sources, he sure has! The grapevine tells me that Carrey has been spotted about town on the arm of the redheaded woman from that Brooke Shields show. To date, they've gone bowling, eaten pizza–hold the anchovies!–and taken in a movie. Honestly, I can't think of a better match than those two. I mean, can you imagine the jokes? Oh, to be a fly on the wall on one of their dates!

Ask A Wiccan

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has just released a CD, Blessed Morning!, a collection of Celtic chants accompanied by crystal Tibetan singing bowls.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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Mix Tape Expresses Subtleties Of Long-Term Relationship

AMHERST, MA—A mix tape made by Mandy Honig for boyfriend Jeff Kent in honor of the couple's one-year anniversary expresses the many subtleties of their long-term relationship, it was learned Monday.

With songs ranging from Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" to McFadden & Whitehead's "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now," <I>Mandy's Mix, 3-15-98</I> captures the many sides of Mandy Honig and Jeff Kent's one-year relationship.

According to Honig, 19, a sophomore at the University of Massachusetts, each song on the mix has a special significance, capturing a different aspect of their deep, multi-dimensional love.

"We're romantic together, but we can also be totally crazy and fun," Honig said. "And we're best friends. This mix reflects that amazing variety in our relationship."

Among the songs on the mix that capture the couple's romantic side: Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You," Sting's "Fields Of Gold" and, most of all, Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."

"Jeff and I saw Titanic together, and I just cried through the entire thing–Jack and Rose reminded me so much of me and Jeff," Honig said. "When they played 'My Heart Will Go On,' at the end, I just completely lost it."

Honig said that "My Heart Will Go On" has taken on added significance in the past two weeks, as she and Kent have been separated due to UMass' spring break. "Jeff went back to [his parents' house in] St. Louis, and I stayed here in Amherst," she said. "Every time I hear the line, 'Near, far, wherever you are,' I just bawl thinking about how much I miss him."

Added Honig: "I love Jeff so much."

While a majority of the songs on the mix capture a particular aspect of Honig and Kent's multi-faceted relationship, some are reminders of special moments the two have shared.

"Last November, when Jeff's grandmother was in the hospital, he was really upset, and he called me, and we talked on the phone for like four hours," Honig said. "When we finally hung up at like 3 a.m., I turned on the radio and 'Wind Beneath My Wings' was playing. And I just thought to myself, that's exactly what we are to each other: We hold each other up."

In addition to song selection, the mix's song order was given careful consideration. Honig said that the ballad-heavy nature of side one of the mix, which does not feature back-to-back uptempo songs until midway through side two, was intentional.

Jeff Kent and Mandy Honig.

"I did want to vary the tempo and get in some fun, fast ones, but it was very important to establish early on just how much I love Jeff," Honig said. "And I felt that the best way to do that was with slower songs like 'In Your Eyes' and 'Theme From Phantom Of The Opera.'"

"Jeff and I have only been together a year, but I feel like I've known him all my life," Honig added.

Despite the overall success of the mix, it did not come without its disappointments. Honig said she "really wanted" to include the song "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant," but at the last minute she discovered she'd left her Billy Joel's Greatest Hits CD at a friend's house. "I wanted to give it to Jeff the next day, which was our anniversary, so there was no time to run over to Kelli's and get it," she said.

"I also wanted that song 'Friends And Lovers,' but I totally couldn't remember who sings it," Honig added. "I even sang it for the guy at Sam Goody when I was at the mall, but he said he didn't know."

The most painful song omission of all, however, was "American Pie," which both Honig and Kent "totally love." While Honig very much wanted to include the 1972 Don McLean classic, she ultimately made the difficult decision to leave it off due to its length.

"I really wanted to include it, but I knew I could fit like three normal-length songs on instead of just that one," she said. "I was so bummed."

While Kent could not be reached for comment at his parents' home in St. Louis, he is reportedly thrilled with the mix. In addition to denying his sister's request for a copy of it, explaining that it is "just for me and Mandy," he has already punched out the tabs at the top of the cassette to prevent anything from ever being recorded over it.

"Jeff was so surprised when I gave it to him," Honig said. "He had no idea I was making it. He was really touched: He said it had more meaning than anything else I'd ever gotten him because I put so much of myself into it."

Honig said she is already planning a follow-up mix for Kent's birthday on April 4. "I cannot wait to start working on that next mix," she said. "I've got so much more I want to say to Jeff, and there are so many more songs with which to say it."

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