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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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MLB Adopts New 'Four Strikes And You're Back In' Steroid Policy

MILWAUKEE—Facing pressure from the public and the players' union, Major League Baseball announced Monday that they would institute a new steroid policy designed to eliminate performance-enhancing drugs in baseball while granting a third second chance to players who truly demonstrate a desire to play baseball at any cost. Under the league's new guidelines, players will be suspended for 50 games after a first offense, suspended for 100 games after the second, banned for life after their third, and finally reinstated after their fourth conclusive positive test for performance-enhancing drugs. "Although we cannot tolerate serial infractions of our steroid policy, we cannot unfairly penalize those who use steroids to get back into the game," said Commissioner Bud Selig, who has described the new policy as "fair for all parties, especially those who cannot play the game well without the aid of illegal substances." "Continuing to artificially enhance your body and chemically optimize your performance—even after a permanent suspension—shows the kind of dedication that warrants one last chance at redemption." Selig added that, to ensure this ruling does not tarnish the integrity of the game by putting anything less than top-caliber athletes back on the field, all players facing reinstatement must pass a thorough and extremely demanding test of physical fitness and raw aggression.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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