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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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MLB Adopts New 'Four Strikes And You're Back In' Steroid Policy

MILWAUKEE—Facing pressure from the public and the players' union, Major League Baseball announced Monday that they would institute a new steroid policy designed to eliminate performance-enhancing drugs in baseball while granting a third second chance to players who truly demonstrate a desire to play baseball at any cost. Under the league's new guidelines, players will be suspended for 50 games after a first offense, suspended for 100 games after the second, banned for life after their third, and finally reinstated after their fourth conclusive positive test for performance-enhancing drugs. "Although we cannot tolerate serial infractions of our steroid policy, we cannot unfairly penalize those who use steroids to get back into the game," said Commissioner Bud Selig, who has described the new policy as "fair for all parties, especially those who cannot play the game well without the aid of illegal substances." "Continuing to artificially enhance your body and chemically optimize your performance—even after a permanent suspension—shows the kind of dedication that warrants one last chance at redemption." Selig added that, to ensure this ruling does not tarnish the integrity of the game by putting anything less than top-caliber athletes back on the field, all players facing reinstatement must pass a thorough and extremely demanding test of physical fitness and raw aggression.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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