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MLB Adopts New 'Four Strikes And You're Back In' Steroid Policy

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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MLB Adopts New 'Four Strikes And You're Back In' Steroid Policy

MILWAUKEE—Facing pressure from the public and the players' union, Major League Baseball announced Monday that they would institute a new steroid policy designed to eliminate performance-enhancing drugs in baseball while granting a third second chance to players who truly demonstrate a desire to play baseball at any cost. Under the league's new guidelines, players will be suspended for 50 games after a first offense, suspended for 100 games after the second, banned for life after their third, and finally reinstated after their fourth conclusive positive test for performance-enhancing drugs. "Although we cannot tolerate serial infractions of our steroid policy, we cannot unfairly penalize those who use steroids to get back into the game," said Commissioner Bud Selig, who has described the new policy as "fair for all parties, especially those who cannot play the game well without the aid of illegal substances." "Continuing to artificially enhance your body and chemically optimize your performance—even after a permanent suspension—shows the kind of dedication that warrants one last chance at redemption." Selig added that, to ensure this ruling does not tarnish the integrity of the game by putting anything less than top-caliber athletes back on the field, all players facing reinstatement must pass a thorough and extremely demanding test of physical fitness and raw aggression.

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