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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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MLB Announces Acceptable 2007 World Series Matchups

MILWAUKEE—Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced the acceptable matchups for the 2007 World Series yesterday, insisting that the Fall Classic would exclusively feature one of six interesting, crowd-please scenarios. "Yankees-Cubs, Red Sox-Cubs, Yankees-Dodgers, Red Sox-Dodgers, Red Sox-Mets," Selig said, noting that, in addition, any underdog team from the National League is acceptable as long as they play against the Yankees or Red Sox. "Tigers-Mets will be allowed with the provision that Kenny Rogers does something illegal, but under no circumstance will the Cardinals be allowed to repeat." Selig added that Yankees-Mets and White Sox-Cubs are no longer an option, as those types of monumental, once-in-a-lifetime match ups have forever been ruined by interleague play.

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