Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots. “Despite being a long accepted practice among team owners, the MLB executive board has determined that it is unethical and dangerous to perform the invasive act of removing a mascot’s genitals,” said Manfred, responding to public outcry over what many consider to be a cruel surgery, which teams claim makes mascots docile, easy to train, and prevents them from attacking fans. “Mascots are subjected to this gelding as early as their first season with a team, and sadly the procedure is often done without the use of anesthetics. While we need to ensure that mascots can live in close proximity to humans, we believe alternatives like hormone treatments can achieve the same result without resorting to the brutal mutilation of a mascot’s sexual organs.” Manfred expressed hope that the ban would eliminate the last link between the MLB and the horrific early 20th-century practice of using sterilization to remove “inferior” mascots from the gene pool.

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