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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots. “Despite being a long accepted practice among team owners, the MLB executive board has determined that it is unethical and dangerous to perform the invasive act of removing a mascot’s genitals,” said Manfred, responding to public outcry over what many consider to be a cruel surgery, which teams claim makes mascots docile, easy to train, and prevents them from attacking fans. “Mascots are subjected to this gelding as early as their first season with a team, and sadly the procedure is often done without the use of anesthetics. While we need to ensure that mascots can live in close proximity to humans, we believe alternatives like hormone treatments can achieve the same result without resorting to the brutal mutilation of a mascot’s sexual organs.” Manfred expressed hope that the ban would eliminate the last link between the MLB and the horrific early 20th-century practice of using sterilization to remove “inferior” mascots from the gene pool.

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