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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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MLB Bans Managers From Using Electric Prods To Force Players Into Batting Cages

NEW YORK—In response to widespread calls to end the barbaric practice, Major League Baseball issued a statement Thursday banning electric prods as a means to force players into batting cages. “There is no doubt the prods work, but giving players a painful shock in order to drive them into batting cages is both cruel and inhumane,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, noting that many veteran players show visible scarring from years of being guided into the cages with the two-pronged high-voltage electrical devices. “If these players are simply given more time out in the field during games, they will be far less reluctant to get in the cages later. Most are visibly terrified the second they see their manager get the prod out, and once they catch a glimpse of the pitching machine, it’s far more difficult to move them without a fight.” Reached for comment, many MLB managers revealed their skepticism regarding an effective method to move larger, more aggressive players like Matt Adams and A.J. Pierzynski into a batting cage without some level of brute force.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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