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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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MLB Bans Managers From Using Electric Prods To Force Players Into Batting Cages

NEW YORK—In response to widespread calls to end the barbaric practice, Major League Baseball issued a statement Thursday banning electric prods as a means to force players into batting cages. “There is no doubt the prods work, but giving players a painful shock in order to drive them into batting cages is both cruel and inhumane,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, noting that many veteran players show visible scarring from years of being guided into the cages with the two-pronged high-voltage electrical devices. “If these players are simply given more time out in the field during games, they will be far less reluctant to get in the cages later. Most are visibly terrified the second they see their manager get the prod out, and once they catch a glimpse of the pitching machine, it’s far more difficult to move them without a fight.” Reached for comment, many MLB managers revealed their skepticism regarding an effective method to move larger, more aggressive players like Matt Adams and A.J. Pierzynski into a batting cage without some level of brute force.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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