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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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MLB Fines Russ Springer Negative $50,000 For Throwing At Bonds

HOUSTON—Astros relief pitcher Russ Springer has been awarded $50,000, the largest negative fine in baseball history, for intentionally throwing at Barry Bonds last Tuesday, the Astros reported. "After reviewing the tapes, there is no question in my mind that Springer purposefully attempted to strike Bonds, and therefore we have no choice but to give him the stiffest negative financial penalty possible," MLB vice president of on-field discipline Bob Watson said Wednesday. "Rest assured that we intend to deal with similar assaults on Bonds in at least this aggressive a fashion." Springer has said that he does not intend to contest either his fine or the mandatory five-day Tahitian resort suspension he has been scheduled to serve this offseason.

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