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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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MLB Introduces Todd Zeile Award For Participation

MILWAUKEE—In recognition of Todd Zeile, who took an active part in over 2,000 games while playing for 11 different teams, the MLB commissioner's office has dedicated an award in his name, to be presented annually to honorary participants in America's pastime. "Major League Baseball understands that not everyone can be the Most Valuable Player, and we want to let these other players know that we nonetheless appreciate their effort and support their continued interest in the game of baseball," commissioner Bud Selig said. "In the spirit of Mr. Zeile, this award celebrates a player's commitment to the sport, his outstanding attendance, and the embodiment of the game's most important qualities: taking the field, giving it your all, and making new friends." This year's recipients will include all players who exemplified the true meaning of baseball by willingly competing in over 60 percent of his team's games.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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