adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

MLB Introduces Todd Zeile Award For Participation

MILWAUKEE—In recognition of Todd Zeile, who took an active part in over 2,000 games while playing for 11 different teams, the MLB commissioner's office has dedicated an award in his name, to be presented annually to honorary participants in America's pastime. "Major League Baseball understands that not everyone can be the Most Valuable Player, and we want to let these other players know that we nonetheless appreciate their effort and support their continued interest in the game of baseball," commissioner Bud Selig said. "In the spirit of Mr. Zeile, this award celebrates a player's commitment to the sport, his outstanding attendance, and the embodiment of the game's most important qualities: taking the field, giving it your all, and making new friends." This year's recipients will include all players who exemplified the true meaning of baseball by willingly competing in over 60 percent of his team's games.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close