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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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MLB Investigates Why Joba Chamberlain Is Allowed To Have A Son

TAMPA, FL—After reviewing details of the Mar. 22 accident in which Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain suffered a dislocated ankle while playing with his 5-year-old son, Karter, Major League Baseball announced Thursday it had launched an investigation into the oversight that allowed the 6-foot-2 right-hander to have a child. "Unfortunately, we can find no language in any contract between Mr. Chamberlain and the Yankees or the MLB that restricts, discourages, or otherwise bars him from having a son," a statement from the league read in part. "Clearly this is an almost criminal oversight… While this does not relieve Chamberlain of his own responsibility in this matter, Major League Baseball deeply regrets its part in the incident and wishes to assure fans that steps are being taken to prevent this situation from ever arising again." There is currently no timetable for Chamberlain to resume pitching or parenting.

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