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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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MLB Pickpocket Suspected In Series Of Stolen Batting Gloves

MILWAUKEE—According to an urgent notice from the commissioner's office, the infamous "MLB Pickpocket" is at it again—in the past week alone, over 40 players have reported their batting gloves missing or stolen from their back pockets. "I stole second base, got up, checked my pocket, and they were gone," said a visibly shaken Tigers third baseman Miguel Cabrera, just one of the unlucky victims. In the meantime, the commissioner has released a general warning to all MLB players to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity on the basepaths. "We are advising all players who reach first base to either hold onto your batting gloves or hand them over to a trustworthy first-base coach," Selig said. Any player who has had his batting gloves stolen and needs a new pair has been told to contact Dodgers second baseman Jeff Kent, who reportedly has over 150 spares on sale for discount prices.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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