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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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MLB Pickpocket Suspected In Series Of Stolen Batting Gloves

MILWAUKEE—According to an urgent notice from the commissioner's office, the infamous "MLB Pickpocket" is at it again—in the past week alone, over 40 players have reported their batting gloves missing or stolen from their back pockets. "I stole second base, got up, checked my pocket, and they were gone," said a visibly shaken Tigers third baseman Miguel Cabrera, just one of the unlucky victims. In the meantime, the commissioner has released a general warning to all MLB players to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity on the basepaths. "We are advising all players who reach first base to either hold onto your batting gloves or hand them over to a trustworthy first-base coach," Selig said. Any player who has had his batting gloves stolen and needs a new pair has been told to contact Dodgers second baseman Jeff Kent, who reportedly has over 150 spares on sale for discount prices.

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