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MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

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MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant. "We just saw Ryan Spilborghs and Brett Cecil still taking up major-league roster spots and decided we needed to unclutter things a little," said league rep Gerald Norris, who added that Geoff Blum, Ryan Doumit, Lyle Overbay, and Daric Barton all died quickly and painlessly. "There's always a tremendous glut of outfielders and middle relievers that we try to burn off before every season starts, like your LaTroy Hawkinses and Aaron Heilmans and Jonny Gomes and Josh Willinghams. Then there are just so many prospects to keep track of, so we rounded up Kyle Drabek, Desmond Jennings, and Mike Trout and took care of them. Just clearing out the brush." Norris seemed unconcerned that Ryan Howard was among the euthanized, saying only that his name was really normal-sounding.

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