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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant. "We just saw Ryan Spilborghs and Brett Cecil still taking up major-league roster spots and decided we needed to unclutter things a little," said league rep Gerald Norris, who added that Geoff Blum, Ryan Doumit, Lyle Overbay, and Daric Barton all died quickly and painlessly. "There's always a tremendous glut of outfielders and middle relievers that we try to burn off before every season starts, like your LaTroy Hawkinses and Aaron Heilmans and Jonny Gomes and Josh Willinghams. Then there are just so many prospects to keep track of, so we rounded up Kyle Drabek, Desmond Jennings, and Mike Trout and took care of them. Just clearing out the brush." Norris seemed unconcerned that Ryan Howard was among the euthanized, saying only that his name was really normal-sounding.

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