Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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MLB Recommends Teams Limit Amount Of Screen Time For Rookies

NEW YORK—Citing the numerous studies linking the overuse of electronic devices to stunted development, the MLB reportedly sent a memo to all 30 teams Tuesday that recommended limiting the amount of screen time for rookies. “During that incredibly important first year, coaches should ideally prohibit players from spending more than two hours per day in front of computers, phones, and TVs,” read the memo authored by MLB medical director Dr. Gary Green, warning that excessive screen time could have significant consequences for rookies’ physical fitness, concentration at the plate, and ability to socialize with teammates. “Although it’s easy and convenient to simply sit rookies down with an iPad or in front of the clubhouse TV to keep them occupied, teams need to realize that these players are still at a precarious place in their cognitive, physical, and emotional development. While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, rookies’ screen time should be mostly dedicated to high-quality programming, such as tape of opposing pitchers. Ultimately, it’s up to teams to make smart decisions that will benefit their rookies’ long-term growth.” The memo also recommended that coaches designate screen-free times for the whole team, such as group dinners or while in bed at the team hotel.

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