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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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MLB To Have Four More Opening Days This Season

MILWAUKEE—MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced Tuesday that, due to the success of last week's Japan Opening Day, Sunday's "Opening Night," and Monday's U.S. Opening Day, baseball would be holding several additional Opening Days throughout the course of the 2008 season. "There's nothing better than the childlike joy and renewed passion for baseball elicited by Opening Day," Selig said, "so why not continue having them periodically throughout the season?" In the coming months, MLB will celebrate "Opening Day Canada," the first Toronto Blue Jays home game; "Opening May," the first game played in the month of May; "Opening Day Curt Schilling," Curt Schilling's first game back from the DL; and "Opening Day," a game on Aug. 16 between the Cubs and the Marlins. Tickets are available starting at $150.
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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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