adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

MLB To Have Four More Opening Days This Season

MILWAUKEE—MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced Tuesday that, due to the success of last week's Japan Opening Day, Sunday's "Opening Night," and Monday's U.S. Opening Day, baseball would be holding several additional Opening Days throughout the course of the 2008 season. "There's nothing better than the childlike joy and renewed passion for baseball elicited by Opening Day," Selig said, "so why not continue having them periodically throughout the season?" In the coming months, MLB will celebrate "Opening Day Canada," the first Toronto Blue Jays home game; "Opening May," the first game played in the month of May; "Opening Day Curt Schilling," Curt Schilling's first game back from the DL; and "Opening Day," a game on Aug. 16 between the Cubs and the Marlins. Tickets are available starting at $150.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close